I have never attended a hen night for obvious reasons. The only guys invited are strippers. But, I have heard stories, watched a few TV shows that left me with a sense of what goes down on a such a night.
I will assure you, they do not spend the night discussing troublesome househelps, kids or sharing notes on bargain shopping destinations. It’s more like, screaming women, gulping wine and sexually harassing a buffed brother who earns a living gyrating in his undies.
Like most things female, such excesses are always denied in public. However, those of us in the know are aware that not all attached women are innocent maidens. Many have needs, too, that cannot be fulfilled within the bonds of marriage.
In a city where who you are sleeping with, is everyone’s business, some women got creative – hen nights. But since they are few and far between and never have enough testosterone to go around, a new cover was invented by the women.
They call it a girls’ night out. It sounds innocence, doesn’t it? What’s there to question about a couple of girlfriends catching up over drinks? It is a time to bond and exhale.
Think of a forum where women share frustrations, triumphs, catch up on the latest gossip and the new fabric for curtains that is all the rage.
Some raunchy dancing and teasing may occur as they get tipsy but everyone gets home before midnight because most smart women never indulge without a plan. A woman’s secret weapon is foresight.
That is the difference between us and them. Men are fond of bragging about sexual exploits. Yet, in a frank analysis of cheating behaviour, men are amateurs. I think it is because they only bother about consequences after bagging the prize.
That is why all the evidence a woman needs will be found in the first place she looks. A suggestive text message, forgotten hotel receipts in the jacket pocket and smudged lipstick on his collar.
A scheming female, on the other hand, will cover her tracks with the sort of diligence that would make the average Mossad agent proud. What most men stubbornly refuse to acknowledge is that their wives and girlfriends know them better than they know themselves.
They are simply much more strategic than we are. This explains why a house-help can lure a frustrated husband right under a hawk- eyed wife’s nose.
Take the example of Sylvia (not her real name). She was an otherwise content wife, in good shape. Despite her two children, she often attracted random male attention that she never paid heed too.
That was before she caught her ‘loving husband’ of seven years in an extramarital affair with an office colleague.
The fallout almost led to a divorce but after a thorough reprimand, her hubby went through a radical shift and was now showing all the traits of a hen- pecked husband.
No more discrete phone calls, he came home on time and always informed her of his whereabouts. He even helped with the dishes sometimes.
So she let him forget the hurt caused. Innocent and caring as it may have looked, it was all part of an elaborate long-term strategy to get even.
Therefore, when Sylvia’s old college mate Dorcas rocked into town from the US, they arranged to meet. Dorcas was the friend to call when you had man issues. They met at a glitzy city bar. Sylvia gave her the lowdown.
On hearing the news, Dorcas empathised with her friend’s hurt.
Then she asked, “How’s the sex life now?” In a sullen voice, Sylvia replied, “I still haven’t got over the images of him and the other woman, so he is not doing it for me”.
Dorcas, the ever-resourceful friend pointed out a hidden opportunity in the making.
“Sylvia, what you are lacking is validation as a woman?”
Apparently in simple terms, when your husband sleeps with another woman, it feels like you are relegated to second best. Therefore to feel like the ‘hot’ woman you know you are, you have to place yourself in the open market.
A plot was hatched. Girls’ night out every Wednesday. Dorcas had a prime location in mind.
The following Wednesday, the five friends dressed rather suggestively, met at a reputable hotel bar. The kind of place to pick up highly strung business types seeking a bit of R & R (rest and recreation) on the sly.
The first meeting was to establish the location. The quality of men was noted giving reason for a return visit. But before she could make the move, the husband’s suspicions had to be allayed. That was the easy part.
Invite a man twice to an all-girl gathering and by the third invite, he would be making excuses to be anywhere else. Sylvia always remembered to feign disappointment when he couldn’t join them.
On the second night out, she spotted a prospect. Actually, more like she was spotted. It was Dorcas who noticed him first. Fine brother, perfect height, sharply dressed, calm demeanour with the kind of body that held potential.
He kept checking Sylvia out. She did not mind and her girlfriends approved. Basking in the attention, Sylvia made a point to flash a smile in his direction on her way out as she announced loudly to her friends, “We meet again next Wednesday?”
On ensuing Wednesdays, the handsome stranger and Sylvia got familiar. One month later, she finally accepted drinks at his place after hours. She never called him back. He was all suit and no action.
Better the devil she knew. It is a secret that would always be kept safe from her hubby. But in the final analysis, she got her validation. She was still hot. Now she could go back to playing the ‘content wife’ with tolerable man issues.
Therefore, when you get caught and the missus is quick to forgive, don’t go out seeking a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for her. Be very afraid.
oyungapala@gmail.com
