One in every three beer drinkers in Britain is a woman. Though a  Western country with more liberal people, this data is being treated as a “very emergent trend”, according to a study done by a London-based research firm Data Monitor.

To capture this market, beer companies are introducing alcohol brands that are more appealing to this clientele and as the study further revealed, most of these drinkers are aged between 21-30 years.

Drinkfocus.com introduces another observation – Women aged 50 and above are also increasingly taking up alcohol.

In Kenya, the percentage of women drinkers is yet to be officially documented but it is almost a fact that more and more women are pulling seats and ordering their favourite alcoholic drinks in local entertainment joints.

Saturday Magazine attempted to unveil the varied faces of the Kenyan drinking woman. Find out if you fall in any of the categories.

The sleeper

This drinker is very jovial and co-operative as she prepares for the outing. She is not a regular party-goer and always looks forward to the occasional night out.

She will be very engaging as the first round of the drinks come by and participates animatedly in the discussions underway. This will continue upto the second round.

But by the third round, she will begin to get drowsy with each sip she takes. At the end of the third drink, you start losing her to sleep.

In a short while, she will be totally consumed by sleep and will start to lean on her seat or else her head will keep bobbing up and down as she slumbers away contentedly. Just as the party is picking up, someone has to take her to the car — to sleep.

This kind of drinker needs to be accompanied by a very trustworthy person or else she is the type who will wake up the next day and wonder how she got into that bed.

The dancer

She isn’t so much into drinking but she has a lot of energy after just a few drinks. She derives lots of fun from music. She is agile and will be among the first revellers to jump onto the floor to twist her waist as several numbers are belted out.

There are two types here — The accompanied and the sole player. For the accompanied (often by a guy who would rather be glued to his seat and drink than dance), she has to use her hands to shake off guys who want to dance with her.

The unaccompanied — will be shopping for attention by vigorously shaking her body to attract attention.

For this, you will find her move from one corner of the floor to another obviously dancing with a different guy each time.

This one readily welcomes a drink offer from any guy and this temporarily earns the guy some sort of exclusive rights to dance with  her.

Once she has her drink, she constantly gets onto the floor and will only go back to her seat with sweat rolling down her cheeks.

This drinker is never in a hurry to leave the club and when she finally gives up, it is because of fatigue and not the drink.

This one is the proverbial party animal and will be on the floor ready to dance with whoever is willing.

The easy goer

This one has a problem controlling herself. The more she drinks, the more carefree she becomes. You only need to buy her a few drinks and you will have her all to yourself — You don’t even have to try too hard to get her into your bed.

As she drinks, she throws caution to the wind and becomes physical. She is the type that kisses their guy in public with abandon.

She is weak when it comes to controlling the amount of alcohol she takes in and by the end of the drinking session, she will be a totally different person — the type that finds nothing wrong with spending the night at the house of a guys she just met at the bar.

This type of drinker is easy to manipulate and never seems to have an agenda of her own. She is not likely to party the whole night.

Once she has taken a few drinks, she wants to move to the next phase of action—Sleeping (with you). You  can now take her wherever you want.

Due to her state of drunkenness, she usually sleeps with her host without protection.

Her major characteristic is that the drink seems to awaken some sexual feelings in her. She often wonders the following day, “How did we end up here?”

Among these, there is a category that takes the hunt to the men. She does the seduction herself, especially if she spots a smart, classy gentleman who does not “seem to be taken”.

With all the dangers of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, she is a high-risk reveller and needs very responsible drinking mates.

The scavenger

This one is self- centred and her character borders on greed. She wants to eat all the bitings that come her way. She usually overestimates the amount of drink she can take and being easily excited , she often switches from one brand of drink to another.

She is the type who will try new drinks, and of course, the more expensive it is, the better. If not changing her brand, her rate of swallowing the drink will most likely shock even the most seasoned male drinker.

By the time the meal comes, she will already be too drunk to eat.

This one is more interested in drinking than having a conversation or dancing.

She gives up just hours before the party ends. All the food plus the mix of drinks she manages to imbibe can only result in one thing — vomiting.

It is usually embarrassing to have her in your company and like the sleeper, someone will have to find her somewhere to clean up and catch some sleep as other party goers wind up.

You may need to avoid this type if you expect to meet some respectable  company. She usually isn’t a very refined or intelligent character so keeping up with debates is a problem.

The chatterbox

This is the know-it-all type who wants to outdo everyone in the group. She will speak the loudest and will chatter on non-stop usually to the chagrin of everyone else.

She speaks loudly and usually does not observe basic speech etiquette — she will interrupt others, speak with food in her mouth and digress from the real discussion.

She has been to all the places you are discussing, met whoever you are talking about, sampled the latest product or service. Haven’t you met this woman who always interjects with “Hata mimi…..” when someone is explaining something?

She is the type that will flash out her mobile phone to prove that she actually knows some big names. The only way she seems to fit into your chat is by making it difficult for others to get a chance to put a word in.

She is a bad listener and may not take kindly any attempts to correct her. She will argue until either the rest of group gives in exasperation or a fight ensues.

The Drama Queen

She only needs to have a few drinks and she becomes a bomb waiting to explode at the slightest provocation. Apparently, she believes she is the one on the right side of the law and everybody else is wrong.

She can be possessive and is quick to interpret any conversation between her man and any other woman as an attempt to rob her of the man. She is jealous and her reaction is fast and furious.

Ever seen a woman who gets up, removes one of her shoes and attacks another woman? That is the drama queen.
Sometimes, the recipient of her anger is the man himself.

Haven’t you seen a couple sitting together but have to leave the club unceremoniously after a fight, or the woman suddenly starts to quarrel at the top of her voice and soon the man is receiving blows and slaps?

She also believes she is well-connected and can go scot-free even when she has caused a disturbance in the pub. This is the type of woman that will whip out her phone to call “people in high places” to sort out her mess.

She always wants everyone to know she has been offended and someone will have to pay for it dearly. Be very cautious on how you relate with either another woman in your group or any other woman in the club. This drinker’s decorum score is below average. Like the scavenger, she can very embarrassing by her actions.

The “trooper”

This is the most independent drinker. She has “no time for men”, hugely because of her nasty personal experiences with them, especially at the relationship level.

More often than not, she has been in a marriage that did not go well and one of her life’s resolves was never to allow another man make her life miserable again. So for this, she is always in the company of other well-to-do women.

She is at home with female company where most discussions revolve around business (and sometimes family issues) and will only have male company ‘on her terms.’

Her buddies have no kind word for men in general. However, a man who promises them “a deal” or can connect them to powerful people for business is welcome to their table.

Money is not her problem so her drinks are often not cheap but she is able to pay her bills and drive herself home.

There are two categories here. There is the upcoming middle-aged woman, say in her late 20s and early 30s and those past their 40s.

The latter draws her resources from earlier investments, like say rental houses, while the former gets her income either from a business or salary.
This drinker is mature and is civil in the way she carries herself. But she is prone to “using” men. She will readily finance an outing where the man ends up playing the role of a bodyguard or driver.

Any man who delas with this type does so on her terms. You need to be a man of means and exhibit a lot of maturity to fit into this group.

Nowadays, this woman (and her company) can leave a club in the wee hours of the night since she is not answerable to anyone.

Daily Nation

By CIKU ciku@classic105.com

If you are a regular reader of my column, then you know where I stand when it comes to dating married men.

It’s a simple position and it’s unwavering.

a) Don’t.

b) If you have to, get all the cash you can squeeze out of him.

c) Don’t fall in love with him.

Those are the ABC’s of surviving this path that always leads to the same place: Him staying with his wife and leaving you hanging. I think it’s working too because a lot of my married male friends are now complaining that having a girlfriend is becoming an expensive venture.

I received the following email from a guy who made me snigger: “I’m a married man and there is this single chick who says she loves me. She has given me all – you know what I mean. 

But I have always wanted to break this up because I know it’s not right and she also uses up too much of my money! How do I break up with her? I don’t want to hurt her. 

Believe me, I love my wife and kids and would never leave them for her (from her talk, she hopes this will happen one day). Why can’t single women and mistresses ever understand that a married man will never leave his wife for them?

Ask them that. Also, advice wives to be adventurous, especially in bed. Many unknowingly drive away their men into the arms of a mistresses!”
I snigger for two reasons.

The first is because of your complaint that she uses up too much of your money. And the second reason is because you actually want to break up with her. Why on earth would you want to do that?

Have you ever heard of a man breaking up with a woman? It doesn’t happen. When men were standing around Mars, waiting to board the flight to Earth, they were given a few tips when it came to ending relationships with us fair maidens from Venus.

You were told simply, never to do so. The reasons they gave you were two. The first is because you never know when you will want her back.

And the second is because Martians never want to be blamed for anything.

“Why did we break up?” you may ask one, years after your relationship ended. The answer may be because some other woman moved into his house and he never took your calls again.

A woman will remember this as clear as day but a man will always say: “You tell me. Why did you leave me? You were always the woman for me.”

So you never break up with a woman my dear, you simply fade off. Are you confused? Have you ever heard a song that just ENDS? It’s a bit disconcerting isn’t it?

Then there are the songs that prepare you and let you know the end is near. They fade off as the chorus is repeated over and over, and the volume progressively reduces.

That’s what Martians do. They fade off. By this, I mean that they take your calls once in a while. If you complain, they say they didn’t mean anything by it and were busy.

They are never available to see you anymore but always say you will ‘meet up soon’. They respond to your emails after many weeks instead of immediately. A Martian pulls away slowly but surely and you can feel it.

Men wear their hearts on their sleeve. If he likes you, he will want to spend time with you. He has no concept of ‘too much’. He can be with you every day of the week and not think twice about it.

He will never be too busy for you.

So my dear, simply fade off. Next time the music starts, get your cheque book out and get ready to spend!

This is a new World Order.