Ken Mac Dougall bit into the sandwich his wife had packed him for lunch and noticed something odd—a Post-it note tucked between the ham and the cheese. He pulled it out of his mouth, smoothed the crinkles and read what his wife had written: “Be in aisle 10 of Home Depot tonight at 6 p.m.”

Mr. Mac Dougall was renovating the couple’s Oak Ridge, N.J., kitchen, and his wife had been urging him to pick out the floor tiles. He felt he had plenty of time to do this task. She felt unheard.

“I thought the note was an ingenious and hysterical way to get his attention,” says his wife, Janet Pfeiffer (whose occupation, interestingly enough, is a motivational speaker), recalling the incident which occurred several years ago. Her husband, a technician at a company that modifies vehicles for handicapped drivers, didn’t really see it that way. “I don’t need a reminder in the middle of my sandwich,” he says.

Nagging—the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed—is an issue every couple will grapple with at some point. While the word itself can provoke chuckles and eye-rolling, the dynamic can potentially be as dangerous to a marriage as adultery or bad finances. Experts say it is exactly the type of toxic communication that can eventually sink a relationship.

Personality contributes to the dynamic, Dr. Wetzler says. An extremely organized, obsessive or anxious person may not be able to refrain from giving reminders, especially if the partner is laid back and often does things at the last minute. Other people are naturally resistant—some might say lazy—and could bring out the nagger in anyone.

It is possible for husbands to nag, and wives to resent them for nagging. But women are more likely to nag, experts say, largely because they are conditioned to feel more responsible for managing home and family life. And they tend to be more sensitive to early signs of problems in a relationship. When women ask for something and don’t get a response, they are quicker to realize something is wrong. The problem is that by asking repeatedly, they make things worse.

Men are to blame, too, because they don’t always give a clear answer. Sure, a husband might tune his wife out because he is annoyed; nagging can make him feel like a little boy being scolded by his mother. But many times he doesn’t respond because he doesn’t know the answer yet, or he knows the answer will disappoint her.

Nagging can become a prime contributor to divorce when couples start fighting about the nagging rather than talking about the issue at the root of the nagging, says Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. For 30 years, Dr. Markman has researched conflict and communication in relationships and offered relationship counseling and marriage seminars. He says that while all couples deal with nagging at some point, those who learn to reduce this type of negative communication will substantially increase their odds of staying together and keeping love alive. Couples who don’t learn often fall out of love and split up.

Research that Dr. Markman published in 2010 in the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that couples who became unhappy five years into their marriage had a roughly 20% increase in negative communication patterns consistent with nagging, and a 12% decrease in positive communication. “Nagging is an enemy of love, if allowed to persist,” Dr. Markman says.

The good news: Couples can learn to stop nagging. Early in their marriage, Ms. Pfeiffer, now 62, repeatedly reminded her husband about household tasks and became more demanding when he ignored her. “If I was asking him to take care of something that mattered to me and he was blowing me off, that made me feel like I didn’t matter,” she says.

Mr. Mac Dougall, 58, says the nagging made his muscles tense, he would become silent and his eyes would glaze over in a “thousand-yard stare.” “Her requests conveyed some sort of urgency that I didn’t think was needed,” he says. “If I said I was going to get to it, I would definitely get to it.”

Ms. Pfeiffer decided to soften her approach. She asked herself, “How can I speak in a way that is not threatening or offensive to him?” She began writing requests on Post-it notes, adding little smiley faces or hearts. Mr. Mac Dougall says he was initially peeved about the sandwich note but did show up at Home Depot that evening smiling.

Ms. Pfeiffer sometimes writes notes to him from the appliances that need to be fixed. “I really need your help,” a recent plea began. “I am really backed up and in a lot of discomfort.” It was signed “your faithful bathtub drain.” “As long as I am not putting pressure on him, he seems to respond better,” Ms. Pfeiffer says. Mr. Mac Dougall agrees. “The notes distract me from the face-to-face interaction,” he says. “There’s no annoying tone of voice or body posture. It’s all out of the equation.”

The first step in curbing the nagging cycle, experts say, is to admit that you are stuck in a bad pattern. You are fighting about fighting. You need to work to understand what makes the other person tick. Rather than lazy and unloving, is your husband overworked and tired? Is your wife really suggesting she doesn’t trust you? Or is she just trying to keep track of too many chores?

Noreen Egurbide, 44, of Westlake Village, Calif., says she used to give her husband frequent reminders to take out the garbage, get the car serviced or pick up the kids from school. “I thought I was helping him,” she says. Jose Egurbide, 47, often waited a while before doing what she asked. The couple would argue. Sometimes Ms. Egurbide would just do it herself.

A few years ago, they got insight into their nagging problem after taking a problem-solving assessment test, the Kolbe Assessment. Ms. Egurbide, a business coach, learned she is a strategic planner who gathers facts and organizes in advance. Her husband, an attorney, learned that he is resistant to being boxed into a plan. Now, Ms. Egurbide says, “I don’t take it personally when he doesn’t respond.” “There is a sense of recognition about what’s happening,” Mr. Egurbide says. “It’s easier to accommodate each other.”

Death by a Thousand Reminders

Is nagging a problem in your relationship? Here are some tips for both partners to help curb it.

•Calm down—both of you. Recognize the pattern you are in and talk about how to address it as a team. You will both need to change your behavior, and ground rules can help.

•Look at it from the other person’s perspective. ‘Honey, when you ignore me I feel that you don’t love me.’ ‘I feel that you don’t appreciate what I am already doing when you nag me.’

•If you are the nagger, realize you are asking for something. Use an ‘I’ not a ‘you’ statement. Say ‘I would really like you to pay the Visa bill on time,’ instead of ‘You never pay the bill on time.’

•Explain why your request is important to you. ‘I worry about our finances when you pay the bill late. We can’t afford to pay late fees.’

•Manage your expectations. Make sure you are asking for something that is realistic and appropriate. Does the light bulb need to be changed immediately?

•Set a timeframe. Ask when your partner can expect to finish the task. (‘Can you change the car oil this weekend?’) Let him tell you when it works best for him to do it.

•If you are the naggee, give a clear response to your partner’s request. Tell her honestly if you can do what she asks and when. Then follow through. Do what you say you will do.

•Consider alternative solutions. Maybe it’s worth it to hire a handyman, rather than harm your relationship with arguing.

Source: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203806504577180811554468728.html?mod=googlenews_wsj

Most women love fun and crave for family romance but average men perform poorly in these.

A good number of men are completely clueless on how spice up the marriage. An average man is responsible enough to provide for his family and offer security but creating family fun is a weakness to many.

If you are lucky you will get one who understands the basics. That of buying you chocolate, occasional flowers and a once in a long while dinner outing.

He might be good in providing for the family and is faithful to you but the missing small things can easily lead to lack of fulfillment in marriage.

While these major things are the building pillars of any marriage the small things spice it up. Family fun and romance adds flavor to the relationship.

Remain Positive:

The automatic reaction of an average woman when she discovers her man is ‘boring’ is to rant about it and let all her friends know she married a mshamba. The tendency is to give up on ever sharing fun and family romance with him and choosing to enjoy life with the children and friends.

The danger here is that you miss out on the fulfilling opportunity of sharing and enjoying life as a couple. Extremes of this solo fun have also resulted to infidelity.

Since you already in it your best bet is to make the best out of it; to resolve to make it work. The first place to start is to appreciate his strengths, those things that attracted you to him. This appreciation helps you acknowledge there is nothing wrong with your man only that there are things he does better.

Your next step is to resist the temptation of gossip. Broadcasting it to your girl friends never helps the situation. It has a way of taking your eyes from appreciating the good things he has and consumes the remaining confidence you have in him. Never allow your husband to be the Chama gossip or the girls out hot topic. This safeguards the respect of your man and ensures you remain focused to work on it.

Having protected your man from outsiders and appreciating his strength your next step is to create the family fun you would want to have in your marriage.

Speak your mind

One of the biggest mistakes women make is imagining that their husbands will figure out their needs. Even when it seems so obvious what works for you most men fail terribly to figure it out. You might be mourning that he does not care about you yet he is confused on what to do to make you happy. Speak it in black and white or other times proverbially but ensure you communicate.

If he is buying a lot of dresses yet you love trousers let him know. Don’t allow him to keep buying red roses whereas you want yellow ones. He might not meet your needs as fast as you would like but at least he knows.

It wound help to understand his view of good family time and romance. Get into his world and get what works for him. However ‘danda’ he looks you will be surprised that he has something. Working together with him and through sober talking you will be able to create your own fashion of fun and family romance.

The key here is to ensure that you don’t get obsessed with your fashion of fun and attempt to drag him into it because you will fail terribly.

Don’t Copy:

It is good to appreciate that all relationships are unique and therefore what works in one might not necessarily work in another. Your call is to avoid duplicating what your friend is doing but to go the extra mile and create a world of fun that fits the two of you.

Fulfilling marriage is about meeting your partner’s needs and meeting them in the best way he/she would feel appreciated. Family fun needs a creative and dedicated heart. It calls us to resist the temptation of blame game and take on the cloth of responsibility.

It doesn’t have to be all extraordinary expensive things but small yet special things could do the trick. Think about candle lit dinner, a dinner out, a family weekend holiday or a Sunday afternoon family outing.

Whereas naturally the man should initiate these when you know he has a weakness take up the lead and ensure that your family is complete. Instead of ranting about it appreciate his other strengths and make it your business to spice up the union.

Source: http://kagiriwaithera.wordpress.com/2011/07/18/when-you-marry-a-boring-man/

The first day of the Queen’s reign dawned a trifle oddly

THE  first day of the Queen’s reign dawned quietly enough, if a trifle oddly, as it found her 30ft up a tree. The then Princess Elizabeth was at Treetops, the famous hotel in Kenya where guests stay in cabins carved out of wild fig trees overlooking the water holes where the big game come to drink.

Photo/FILE House-helps take a lot of flak from their bosses, some of who are straight from hell.

My bank is a rubbish bank. I could leave, but I look at the other options and none inspires me to make the jump.

And that’s the thing with banks – they are like women. You could leave, but for what?

You leave one hoping to find peace and happiness with the other, only to find that the new one goes to bed with a pair of scissors under her pillow and, worse, sleep walks.

That’s a woman you don’t want to go to bed angry. Anyway, back to the reason why I am so upset with my bank: Mobile banking.

Or rather, my bank’s refusal to let me enjoy the convenience and simplicity of said mobile banking. I filled the forms ages ago.

They promised they would call me with codes and things when it was good and ready. A year later, I am still waiting.

Instead, they get these pesky guys to call me about the new, exciting products that they are offering their clients – except that these exciting products are not exciting at all because they are loans.

So anyway, I decide to pay these ‘exciting’ guys a visit and ask them whose feet I have to wash to get mobile banking.

So there I am, sitting in the customer care section, waiting for my turn. In front of me is a middle-aged lady fiddling with her phone.

Another lady spots her and walks over to say hello. It is evident from the production that ensues that they haven’t seen each other in a while.

They do the whole confusing thirty-peck thing on the cheeks. Then follow the niceties about children, hair, dress and shoes. Nobody asks about Baba Nani.

Then one of the ladies mentions, frustration palpable in her voice, that she has to run back home because her house-help hasn’t yet come back from shagz after the December holidays.

The discussion then turns into a long discourse about maids and their cheek.

It seems this is the season for house-helps to do a number on their employers. And the house-helps seem to know not only where to squeeze, but when to squeeze.

And their excuses are insulting to the intelligence. There are those who get mugged and have their phones stolen on the day of travel. Or some who said they were on their way back… two days ago.

There are those whose mothers suddenly fall ill, or whose hair wasn’t finished on time at the salon because the hairdresser went into early labour.

Or some who haven’t decided whether all those hours spent explaining why sugar and other essentials don’t last a month is worth it.

Or my favourite – the ones who find out that they are pregnant while in the village.

That said, their employers aren’t any better, calling in sick at their place of work when they are actually inspecting their chicken farm in Kitengela.

It’s the capitalist drama; when you are not screwing someone over you are the one being screwed. But house-helps take a lot of flak from their bosses, some of who are straight from hell.

They have to deal with the brats that have become our children – kids who have never heard of the word ‘respect’.

They wake up early, sleep late, and earn meagre wages which they have to split between ailing relatives, children who need school fees and a new weave so that they can look just like the boss.

So when mothers call and ask, “Kwani ulisema unakuja lini, Betty? Usipokuja leo uje na uchukue vitu zako, mimi sina wakati wa kubembeleza mtu,” they roll their eyes and go back to sifting the rice.

House helps wield silent powers in the house, not because they understand the children more than their mothers, or know the domestic politics of the house, but because they can grind everything to a halt if they decide to.

Source: http://www.nation.co.ke/Features/saturday/The+help+is+away+without+official+leave+/-/1216/1301008/-/e3lbjf/-/index.html

Children be intentionally protected from their parents’ emotional conflicts.

The effects of paternal influence on children can last for decades. Take Joshua. When he was a little boy, he often witnessed his parents engage in bitter, loud confrontations.

Sometimes, their arguments would set his father’s physical violence in motion. Consequently, Joshua absorbed his father’s violent behaviour towards his mother as the normal way for a man to treat a woman.

“I learned that a man must be in control of women. And that the best way to gain that control was by confronting them, scaring them and hurting them – just as my father did,” says Joshua, a clerk at a law-firm.

“I have been in three relationships. All have broken due to my violent temperament. Even though I try to suppress it, I always seem to want to have my way, shouting and kicking. It’s either my spouses shape up or I use my fists to shape them up.”

Joshua is currently seeing a behavioural-change psychologist in Nairobi.

Shape positive views

Not surprisingly, a large number of physically abusive men were themselves raised in abusive families. And girls are not immune to parental influence either.

According to counselling psychologist Timothy Njogu, “the way men treat their wives carries a lot of influence on how their daughters view and approach men and relationships later on in adult life.”

Angela Wanjugu attests to this. She has long held a pessimistic view of men from the way her father treated her mother. “Our home was like a war-zone,” says the single-mother of two.

“My mother never knew peace or love. She was always on the run from my father’s mistreatment. I wouldn’t want that kind of life.”

As a result, Angela has given marriage a wide berth. Ironically, she is a parent too, and her perception might impact her children’s views.

Teach consciously

Damaris Kamau, a child therapist at Maranatha College of Professional Studies, observes that children in surroundings where emotional and physical violence are common tend to take up such habits.

“Children naturally adopt ideas and concepts that shape their self-esteems from their immediate families first. Once the violent behaviour takes root, it grows and becomes difficult to dislodge.

“The stronger ones become bullies and try to vent out their frustrations on others. The weaker ones tend to take sides, become overly anxious or blaming themselves for their parents’ conflicts.”

To nip future violence in the bud, parents should demonstrate the ethical, moral, social and religious values they wish to impart.

For Joseph Kariuki and Miriam Wanjiru, parents to six-year-old Wesley Ndung’u, real-life experiences have been extremely beneficial in providing social values.

“Events in our neighbourhood and examples from nature have provided an excellent opportunity to illustrate the human condition as well as social and religious values to our son,” says Joseph.

Also, small children particularly benefit from real-life lessons. As Miriam will tell you, the assimilation of these lessons results in a solid and stable character.

Different roles

“Wesley is very observant of the way we do things, treat each other, and treat him. The other day, for instance, I had him saying ‘pole’ to another child in the neighbourhood, something we practise in our home.”

Damaris advises that children be intentionally protected from their parents’ emotional conflicts.

“While it is natural for any couple to argue, they shouldn’t do it in front of their young ones. Such confrontations easily turn into a demonstration of the way arguments should be played out,” she opines. The roles of each parent in child development are distinctive and different.

The mother usually interacts with her children in a more verbal fashion. She is more practical in teaching how to do things.

On the other hand, the father advances his children’s physical and motor development. Whereas mothers hold an upper hand in their children’s behavioural development, fathers too have a part to play.

Damaris observes that children who directly interact with their fathers tend to be more responsible, get along better with other children, do better in education, and exhibit fewer behavioural deficiencies in their adulthood than the children who do not bond with their fathers.

“Fathers should offer themselves more to their children. Helping with homework, for example, can be a chance to impart human values. This will have immense influence on how that child sees and values people.”

Source: http://www.nation.co.ke/Features/saturday/Violence+begets+violence+/-/1216/1290342/-/wanfps/-/index.html

Dear form four leaver,

Congratulations on completing four years of high school education; of going to class, taking part in every aspect of school life (I hope you did) and I hope you made good friends along the way and also learnt a lot more than the chemical formulas.

I hope when you look back at the four years you spent in high school you will miss them dearly. Those were the best years of your life – you just don’t know it now. What lies ahead is built completely and absolutely on how you spent the last four years.

Even as I pen this letter to you today, I must apologise because I feel it may be a little late. I hope it’s not. You see, I believe that huge fun-fair of career day for fourth formers is ill-timed – that day should have been given to you in form one, to allow you to create a basis on which you will deal with the next four years and having built that foundation, be ready for what comes next.

As you kick back and think to yourself “no more school!” know this, your parents and teachers are hoping they raised a strong, independent woman. In the same breathe, they are hoping that you are and will be happy. I also hope that you know that you cannot be happy all the time but that you realise happiness is a state of mind you control.

Take this letter my dear, keep it somewhere and read it again in four years. You don’t have to take everything I say to heart today – however do keep it in mind. Here’s what I need you to know as you go forward:

Don’t be in such a hurry to get older and do all the things your parents and teachers wouldn’t let you do. There’s a reason we say there’s a time and season for everything. Take it slow, you’ll be 30 in no-time.

If you don’t have the money for something, do without it and don’t get someone else to buy it for you. Those shoes, earrings, hand-bag or phone aren’t worth your dignity or the drama.

Don’t derive your self worth from which guys or girls you’re seen with or which man’s car you’re seen stepping out of. Get your own. Remember you are the average of the five people you hang out with. I know you may not want to hear it right now, but mum does know what she’s talking about.

If you’re asking yourself if you should have one more drink, the answer is no. I’m not even going to address the fact that you aren’t 21 yet – I’m not stupid.

Before you take that picture of yourself, put on that outfit, or do that “crazy thing that everyone else is doing” ask yourself – would you want to show or tell your dad, the President or your future boss about it ? If it was plastered on the front page of the Star would you be proud? If the answer is no, don’t do it.

It’s okay to say you don’t know. We don’t expect you to know everything. No one knows everything. Pretending to know everything just makes you an ass at this age. As long as it is legal, moral and ethical, there is no job that is beneath you – I was a messenger, I waited tables, I’ve served tea.

You only get one body. Love it and take care of it in every way. You don’t have to let boys win. I hope you know that you can be both pretty and smart. It’s called competitive advantage. Get it. Some things are your own fault. Deal with it. It’s the scary decisions that really matter. Seek God above all else, and he will provide.

Lastly, my 18 -year-old, grown up sister, remember: this is your one life. You will mess up. You will get second chances. But you don’t get a “do-over.” From here on, the rest of it – this life – is your journey. Make it a good one, that you can be proud of.

Wishing you the best and God-speed as you step out into this crazy world. Take it a step at a time, but whatever you do, hit the ground running. I was blessed to have a mother who had me working a week after fourth form and much as I didn’t appreciate it then – I love her dearly for it today.

Be well, be bold, be smart, be blessed.

Fondly,

Caroline Mutoko

How many Kenyans arriving to the US have been disowned as soon as they hit the airport. You call those who were supposed to host you and they will not pick up the phone. You spend two days in the airport with nowhere to go. You do not know what to eat as the food is foreign and you cannot even tell a penny from a dime. You wait wondering what to do next and why the “friend” or “relative” did this to you. The most disturbing this is, the person doing this to you was hosted by someone, who helped them till they got on their feet. Helped them apply for good jobs and are now successful. Now they have grown horns and forgotten how they were helped and now see these new visitors as a burden. God forgive them and touch them. ..but before God forgives you….SHAME ON YOU. Now let’s all say….Amen.

Here is one fundamental difference between men and women: while women actually relish the opportunity to express their emotions, few things scare men more than a confrontation which might involve questions about how they feel. Above all, the spectacle of a woman in tears making bitter accusations is so terrifying that a man will do anything to avoid letting things come to that. This leads many men to continue seeing a woman they have secretly lost interest in – anything to avoid a scene.

So ladies! Do you have a nagging suspicion that all is not well with your relationship? Do you sometimes wonder if maybe it’s time you stop fighting a losing battle and just give up? That maybe you are flogging a dead horse as you struggle to “keep your relationship alive”? But then, what are the signs you should look out for? How would you know if the guy you imagine is your boyfriend is actually a desperate or (even worse) bored man who feels trapped and is looking for a way out? How do you know if he is secretly hoping you will read the writing on the wall, realise that he no longer wants you, and just go away?

Our Relationships Correspondent RAHEL MUKAMI did a little research and this is what she came up with:

He will not let you leave things at his house- For obvious reasons; a man who is not in love with you will not risk being caught with stuff of a woman who does not mean much to him. Mary, for example, told me that her alleged boyfriend always help her pack all her clothes on Sunday afternoon. “He ensures everything is in my traveling bag-even the toothbrush. I find this very strange and I know there is something wrong, but I cannot put a finger on it. How I would love to believe that all is well.”

He does not seem that interested in intimacy- A man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desires. “When I meet up with my girlfriends for coffee, they complain that their men want sex every now and then. My man has lost interest in it. He rarely kisses me. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Initially my perfume was enough to sexually excite him. Slowly by slowly the intimacy has waned and he has totally lost the spark. Something tells me that he has as much need for sexuality as ever. He is just getting his needs met elsewhere.” says Carol.

He does not take interest in your life-”I had enough to think about; the elusive shilling, my bank loan and inflation, where to invest-given the Syokimau saga but more importantly how I will find myself a wife. The last thing I wanted is for Alice to come and start telling me the nitty-gritties of her work, her employer or her relatives. I enjoy going for a drink with her, she has the looks, class and elegance but that’s just it. It caresses my ego to have her besides me and show her off to the boys.” says James

He refuses to make future plans with you- I know it’s a bitter pill to swallow but if he makes plans for his future -long-term or short-term- and does not at least mention it to you and ask you what you think, am sorry to burst your bubbles but chances are that you do not feature in his future. If you find yourself in this dilemma, I think contending with the facts is the best thing to do, it helps you to exit with dignity.

He does not pick calls and does not call back – It doesn’t take rocket science to understand that someone who is not picking up your calls is basically not into you. “I knew my girlfriend was a modern woman and she had some reserved pride. I did not have the courage to say goodbye. I decided to try ignoring her till she goes approach. I ignored her calls and did not bother calling back. It worked for me she invited me over for dinner and broke up with me. Am happy no hearts were broken.” says Timothy.

He only sees you at night- If he calls you at around 10pm on Friday to ask if you are home so he can come visit you, and all you do that night is sex, baby girl you are a booty call. Such men will wake up very early in the morning and leave. He would not even be interested in your breakfast. If you are booty call by design, be assured that he will not be your booty call. This is evident in a recorded Kenyan dialogue between Muturi and Nicole that went round the social Medias some weeks back. It’s a pity, that this is happening to some Kenyan ladies and they are letting it happen. The men in question do not value or respect these ladies. I would advise them to stop living their life on these men’s time.

If he maintains emotional and physical distance- “I noticed that my best female friend was falling in love with me. I knew I needed her, but not in that sense. She is a good girl, but what I felt for her was purely affection. It was not hard to fall in love with her, but I knew deep inside that if it happened it would not last. I avoided direct eye contact and kept my distance while talking to her, insisted on handshakes, I stopped being too much of a friend. I did not want to send wrong signals. She was smart enough, she got the message. We are still friends and I am happy she got a man who loves her as she truly deserved.” says John.

He does not introduce you to his relatives or friends-”I am now a second wife, a fact that am yet to come to terms with. He treated me right; he pulled chairs for me and bought me flowers. He loved me-or so he claimed. I have always questioned why he had never introduced me to his family and friends but I was too blinded too see. I got pregnant and he married me. I got to learn of the first wife after delivering my baby. If I knew then, what I know now I would never have agreed to get married. I feel betrayed but am also to blame. I should have seen it coming.” regrets Karen. A different form of this is if he takes far too long to introduce you to his siblings. You may have read that in some Western nations it is considered culturally acceptable to have an agreement with your ‘significant other’ that you will both “not allow family to interfere in your relationship”. Well, this is Africa! If he does not arrange for you to meet his brothers or sisters fairly soon into your relationship (unless of course he does not have any) then he is already halfway out the door.

He pulls a disappearing act and avoids spending time with you- If you live in the same town, you call him your man but you only see him once in a month, you should be able to know that things between the two of you are falling apart. He may claim he is busy, but the truth is that we all have 24 hours in a day, nobody is abundant of time, and it’s how we choose to spend our time that matters after all. We create time for things and people that are important to us. If your man does not create time for you, it’s a sign that you are not a priority in his life. If he only sees you when he is bored, girlfriend, please find a way out.

He does not spent money on you- Ladies, if your man has money, but does not spent on you, he most probably feel like spending money on the relationship is a waste because he doesn’t see it going anywhere. Jane who recently broke up with her boyfriend can attest to this. She says that the only way his boyfriend spent on her is buying her drinks. He had a car and if he was not going with her to her place he did not care dropping her home, or giving her money to take a cab.

If you are the one who is always calling, texting or fixing dates- Anne who needed some advice from a relationship columnist of local newspapers asks, “I am dating this guy and he never calls me. I’m always the one to call, text or email him. He tells me he will call but he does not honour his words. I really don’t want to leave him for just that reason because I really do like him. What should I do?” I would tell Anne to stop initiating talks with him because he does not desire talking to her. I would hate to break it to her that the guy is simply not interested in her.

If he encourages you to date other people- This is most common in friendship between opposite sex. If you tell your male friend that you went out with some guy and they are happy for you and continues to encourage you then he only sees you as just a friend. A man who is interested in you as a woman will be alarmed to hear you say that you are going out on a date with a certain man.

He attends major event without you- We hear it every time on busted- a famous radio show-where a man is asked to go for a company event with a lady. The man definitely chooses the lady who he will gladly and proudly introduce to his colleagues. If he does not choose to go with you, he probably does not want to be seen with you, he might go with someone else or he is simply ashamed of you.

Source: NAIROBI STAR

While both husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to men, which can completely destroy a marriage.