Many couples would be at a loss to describe the kind of marriage they have despite the fact that they have been married for several years. PHOTO / FILE

By Billy Muiruri

If you were given a chance to rate your marriage today, where exactly would you place it? Many couples would be at a loss to describe the kind of marriage they have despite the fact that they have been married for several years.

If you find yourself not able to say categorically whether you are in a successful marriage or not, you are not alone. Many marriages in Kenya are at a crossroads and couples are actually merely staying together rather than living together. What is the difference, you may ask.

When a woman is getting into marriage, she envisages a situation where her husband treats her with respect, caters for all her financial needs (the occasional holiday coming in just to spice up love), calls her often, extends a helping hand to her relatives and makes sure she is well groom enough to stand confidently in front of his colleagues and friends.

On the other hand, a man may expect a wife who is a good mother to their children, a woman who does not whine or nag, is reasonably economical and basically runs the home well.

But how consistently is this happening in today’s marriages?

One may start from the basic question of just how well the two people know each other, their separate families and various other personal issues.

According to Professor Edward Mburugu, a sociology expert at the University of Nairobi, a couple that is “merely staying together” lacks a well- knit marital set-up and each spouse tends to do things on his or her own or his/her own way.

Communication

“These are two people just sharing a room or a home so to speak and do not care much about what the other is doing. They are emotionally detached from each other,” he says. “There is no communication and the main reason they are still sharing the home is because sometimes it is too late to leave,” says the sociologist.

On the other hand, a couple that is “living together” communicates on every aspect of their lives and offers some space to each other to do personal things.

“There is a lot of harmony between them and they are keen not to offend each other. If an issue arises, they are eager to sort it out jointly,” he says.

Couples “living together” share their fears, worries and hopes and generally agree on many things.

“They share a vision of where they want to take their family. No one has “hidden cards” under the table and there are no secrets of whatever nature between them. They trust that each is working for the good of the family,” observes the professor.

So what would make some people feel like they are staying rather than living together?

“If we never talk about our salaries or incomes, I would feel worried,” says Clare Mmbaya. She cannot imagine living with a man whose salary she does not know, when he is low financially or even when he is doing well pocket wise.

“Any couple that keeps money secrets, is not together in spirit. A spouse needs to know when things are not okay so that one does not bombard the other with demands that they not able to meet. It only increases tension and breeds anger,” she says.

For Evelyne Ochieng, a Nairobi businesswoman, “A woman is able to see a man who is not taking full responsibility for the family. If it does not seem like it is bothering him, then he is just staying with you, be knowing you have no life together. This is the kind of man who will leave his family at the first opportunity to do so,” she says.

Ochieng’s other sign that a man is just not playing a real role in a marriage is when he does not bother to follow up the children’s academic progress.

“I think 80 per cent of men never ask their children how they are doing in school. If he comes home late everyday and does not bother to check on how the children are fairing in school then he is really not a family man,” she adds.

Here, another angle shoots up. How many fathers attend school meetings or academic events involving their children? How many accompany mothers to clinics or health check-ups, for example?

“A couple that does not share children’s responsibilities is merely staying together because of whatever benefits they can get from that set-up,” says Anne Nyanchoka, a fashion designer in Nairobi.

“If you have children,” she says, “it is a responsibility of both parents to take care of the children on equal basis. “Otherwise, what is the point of having a father who cannot recall the class his daughter is in, for example,” opines Nyanchoka.

According to her, fathers, are particularly at fault when it comes to parenting. Ask fathers when their children were born, as in their birth dates, and you will be surprised at how many do not know.

A man who is in sych with his family will know very many of what may be considered the nitty-gritties.

But what would make Elsie Onyango feel all is not well is the way they treat in-laws. She says there are expectations from the man’s and wife’s sides and they better be handled carefully if you are truly a loving, married couple.

“For example, how many Nairobi women or those from any of the other big towns can comfortably go to their husband’s rural home on their own without the husband and stay there with the in-laws for a few days?” poses Onyango, a model and human resources practitioner.

According to her, the way in-laws are treated by either spouse can breed contempt. Lack of consultation even when such a relative is coming to stay shows a crack in the marriage,” says the model.

Both Anne and Elsie have a verdict if you do not discuss in-laws and how to treat them without compromising happiness in the family, you are actually losing it out, as a couple.

Philemon Odhiambo has other ideas. To him, how a couple handles cultural and traditional expectations would show whether they are strong and together as one. He says a man is expected to fulfill certain obligations both at family and society level and if the woman is not for it, then there is a problem.

“Suppose you want to build a small house in the village and your wife opposes the move. Or if you want to pay fees for your younger sibling and the woman feels you are spending too much on your family. Does that not create a rift?” poses Odhiambo a professional artist in Nairobi.

Personally, the father of two says he had a problem getting names for his children. “I wanted African names for my children but their mother preferred foreign names which actually mean nothing to me,” he says but does not elaborate on who carried the day.

Kamau Gatheru’s take is that the spirit of love between a couple is dented by the expectations each has which they may not be ready to be flexible about.

“So when they start a family and the expectations are not fulfilled, they start losing the meaning of living together,” says Kamau, an IT Specialist in Nairobi.

One of the expectations that can hinder the concept of “living together” is sex. “Many men feel they should get sex from their wives whenever they want it while many women believe they should get quality sex from their husbands whenever they have it,” he says.

He adds that if this aspect of marriage does not satisfy either spouse, then they start living like strangers under one roof.

“Sex is a key element in a marriage. It validates the union. It is a major reason many marriages are slowly sliding into breaking point,” he points out emphatically.

Daily Nation

A recent article in the Saturday Nation talked about a woman who stayed in a relationship for 10 years, assuming that her boyfriend would eventually marry her. He did not.

A woman who agrees to live with a man, as his wife, or to stay in a prolonged relationship, hoping that he will eventually marry her may be entertaining false hopes.

Many women have found out the hard way that living with a man for too long without a marriage certificate, often ends in a major disappointment for the woman when someone else comes along and the man decamps without a backward glance.

Certain relationships go on for years without any wedding bells in sight. This is not a good situation for any woman who wishes to get married and raise children because a woman’s biological clocks do not go on forever.

Take the case of one Nancy Kagendo, a 40-year-old cateress. Nancy is a vivacious, attractive woman whose laughing eyes belie the pain she has been through because she stayed too long in a relationship that ended up nowhere.

She met and fell in love with Gitonga several years ago. They were together for 12 years. All this time, Nancy assumed that they were ‘married’ and all that Gitonga had to do was formalise the arrangement with a wedding or by paying bride price to her parents.

She was mistaken because Gitonga had no such intentions. Being traditional and soft-spoken, Nancy did not push the issue and kept waiting for the time when Gitonga would make an honest women of her. She dutifully did everything as his ‘wife’ and everyone thought of her as such.

He even introduced her as his wife whenever they were out. She waited patiently for the day he would announce that he was taking his people to meet her family. Unfortunately, the day never arrived. While they were still together, Gitonga met someone else and left Nancy for this other woman.

Nancy was inconsolable for several months. In retrospect, she says she does not understand why she stayed so long with Gitonga even when he was not taking the relationship to the next level.

“It was as though he had some power over me, I couldn’t think straight and that’s why I did not push the issue of marriage in all that time,” she says. Nancy’s advice to young women in relationships is to feel with their hearts, but think with their heads.

In another case, a woman named Wangari went out with a man, let’s call him David* for six years. She was 38 and like most women her age, she was ready to settle down and was looking for a life partner.

But every time she broached the subject of marriage, her boyfriend would vaguely tell her things like “Let the relationship take its course” or “Don’t rush me.” This man did not seem willing to make a commitment, yet he expected to keep on dating her while dangling the marriage carrot.

He paraded her around to the point where everyone believed they were married. Men who were interested in her feared to approach her because of this.

He had even introduced her to his family, making her convinced that he was serious about the affair. Eventually, she grew weary of waiting for him to make up his mind to marry her and broke up with him. The only regret she has today is the fact that she wasted her time and emotions on him for so long.

Many women who have been dumped after being in lengthy relationships and even co-habitating with the man often wonder why the men who were so happy to live with them for so long did not marry them. A few men we spoke to had this to say:

Mwangi, a 37-year-old salesperson succinctly summed it up by asking this commonly used quote: “Why would you buy the whole cow if you have been getting the milk for free”?

****
John, a 32-year-old part time student said, “Dating a woman for long is no guarantees of marriage. She ought to know that she is taking a risk. Infact, the longer you take in a relationship before marriage the less the chances of it culminating in a marriage.”

From this reasoning, it is clear that women who would like to get married need to be very discerning about what they are getting into. Before starting a relationship, lay down your terms and conditions in order to avoid misunderstandings later on.

Those contemplating co-habitation would be wise to discuss their feelings ahead of time to ascertain the meaning each partner associates with the decision to live together.
If one, usually the woman considers co-habitation as a precursor to engagement and the other is participating without love and commitment, hard feelings and hurt result.

As a woman, you are entirely to blame if you are taken for a long ride. Men will usually simply say that they did not coerce you into the relationship. Some will even state that they did not promise you anything. And they are right. The choices you make concerning the relationship are entirely up to you.

personalcare2001@yahoo.com

That divorce rate is on the rise in Kenya is a fact. That marriage in Kenya has stopped being seen as a permanent lifetime commitment is also a fact.

The two facts might not be connected, but what is obvious is that the modern and more exposed Kenyan woman is demanding more from her man than just being the father figure and provider.

Aping the West may be one reason. Another possibility is that women, may have stopped caring about being frowned upon because of a failed marriage.

Whatever the reason, Kenya is witnessing a new crop of women who are willing to admit that they made a mistake with their first choice of husbands; these women are able to walk away from a bad marriage with their heads held high.

Those who walk away with bruised egos do so determined to find their footing once again and are open to the idea of walking down the aisle a second, third or fourth time round should the opportunity arise.

The argument is that, just because women find themselves single after a stint in marriage, they should not be made to suffer for the rest of their lives while their male counterparts go around sampling different women, searching for new potential marriage partners. Women who go through a divorce are no longer willing to end up as old, miserable spinsters.

When a man separates from with his wife, hardly anyone bats an eyelid when he gets involved with another woman even before the dust settles, after all, African men are believed to be traditionally polygamous, they could marry as many wives as they can afford.

Not so for the separated woman. When a woman gets into relationship for the second time, tongues wag non-stop, she is judged, she is labeled promiscuous, people approach her with suspicion – how could she get married again. No doubt, it takes a special kind of woman and a lot of guts to even contemplate getting married again.

Jackie, who requested that we use only one of her names because she wishes to remain anonymous to avoid antagonising her former in-laws and to protect her daughter, is one such woman. In her 30s, she first got married six years ago to a man she had dated for five years.

“I loved him, or thought I did. Everybody else seemed to find faults in him, but I was so blinded by the whole idea of love that I could not see he was the wrong man for me. I kept accusing my friends of hating on our relationship, but deep down, I knew they had a point. He did not respect me, he dated other women openly, yet I was ready to close my eyes to all that to keep my man.”

Coward

“On our wedding day, I cried non-stop – not because I was so happy to tie the knot, but on that day, of all days, it finally hit me that I was making the biggest mistake in my life. Instead of being the happiest day of my life, I was so sad. If I was stronger then, I would have stopped the priest from declaring us man and wife, but I was a coward, and I still wanted to give the relationship one last shot.

Six years I had known him, dated him for five and married him for close to one, and we had a beautiful daughter together. Even after marriage, he did not change his wayward lifestyle, in fact, it got worse. He was not apologetic for dogging me, abused me both physically and emotionally. He made lose my self-esteem to the extent that I believed I could not survive without him, that no other man could want me.”

So how did she finally escape?

“We used to live in a neighbouring country, and I cannot really recall what triggered my turning point, but his continued mistreatment finally became too much for me to bear – one day I woke up determined to escape this bondage.

As soon as he left for work, I packed my daughters clothes and mine and boarded the first bus to Nairobi. I did not even say goodbye to my friends, afraid they might convince me to change my mind, although I know they would have been happy that I finally had the courage to leave the man. To cut a long story short, I have never looked back.”

Determined never to let another man take her through such hell, Jackie slowly gathered her bruised self together, got a job, and filed for divorce. It takes a minimum of three years in Kenya for a divorce to be finalised, and it that time, although she dated occasionally, she shied away from serious relationships.

“A few months after my divorce went through, a friend coaxed me to go out with her, and I can only thank God that I did. That night, I met the love of my life. We dated for a year and today, I am in total bliss as we are recently wedded and I have never felt so right and so happy.”

Jackie is aware she raised a few eyebrows, especially since in both cases she had ‘big’ weddings. In fact, she believes some people who attended her second wedding were judgmental of her.

“I have been through so much in my life, such matters are trivial. People will get over it. Besides, I get courage from my family and friends, and very important too, my new in-laws, all who know the details of my past. There was no way I was going to let the love of my life who also loves my daughter slip through my fingers because of what other people will say.”

Does Jackie’s ex-husband know about her new marriage?

“He probably does – we had many mutual friends, but he is still in the neighboring country and married to another woman; he would have no moral authority to question my decision but knowing him, he is probably seething bile, but he will get over it as well.”

Wanting to hear the other side of the story, I spoke to Mwangi, a divorced father of three who, eight years after his divorce, is still single, but whose ex-wife re-married two years ago.

“My ex- wife and I got married when we were both very young. Soon after the initial sparks died away, we were constantly on each other’s throats. We had daily verbal fights, especially when I started suspecting she was cheating on me. She turned me into this monster of a person I did not like. I hit her twice – something I am not proud of. Without wanting to sound like I am excusing my behaviour, she had simply pushed me to the edge once too many times.”

Wife basher

When Mwangi hit his wife the second time, he knew it was time to call it quits. “I hated the idea of being known as a wife basher, so I filed for divorce. All I wanted was custody of the children, which I got.”

Despite the split, Mwangi and his ex-wife have remained good friends. “She was not a bad person, and I do not think I am a bad person, we were just wrong for each other, and we brought out the worst in each other – we should never have got married in the first place, but that sounds like crying over spilt milk.”

Over the years, and with what Mwangi refers to as growing up, they started talking, and presently they consider each other as friends. Two years ago, his wife remarried.

“I gave her my blessings – I mean, it is not like I wanted her back, and she is still very young and beautiful. If she finds happiness with someone else, good for her.”

Did he not feel uneasy about the situation?

“I did, but only a little. I suppose when you share so much with somebody, whether negative or positive, like the two of us did and still do because of the children, a part of you feels like you own a part of them, but you have to look at such situations with a sober mind.

If I find somebody I love enough to marry, I would not hesitate; so why would I expect her to pass such a chance. She seems very happy in her marriage, I am happy to let her have the children once in a while, and the children love their new sister.”

What did his family think about the situation. “A few have tried to discuss her behaviour with me, but I refuse to do so. It is her life, and as long as whatever she does will not embarrass or hurt our children, she could do whatever she wants with it.”

Sober mind

Benjaline Akeng’a, a marriage counselor with Family Transformation Ministries, is of the opinion that nobody makes a mistake in marriage as the decision to get married is made by two people of sober mind.

“If the decision to get married was made with a sober mind, couples should be careful about having unrealistic expectations of each other, learn how to deal with unfulfilled expectations, and most importantly learn how to resolve conflicts.

Once couples learn to do this, they should then learn to forgive each other. Nobody is perfect, the second marriage partner will have faults too, but would they go ahead and divorce them too?” Akeng’a asserts that people should think very carefully before getting married to avoid marrying for the wrong reasons.

“Of course there will always be people who get divorced, and for those ones especially, it is very important to reflect on what went wrong in the first marriage otherwise, the same cycle will be repeated.

Source: Daily Nation

Money and interference from the extended family are major causes of marital conflict. 

Given a second chance, three in every 10 people would not marry their current spouse again, a nationwide survey on the status of the institution of marriage in Kenya has revealed.

The survey, done by Infotrak for the Saturday Nation reveals that only 40 per cent of Kenyans are happily married, the rest are either unhappy or not sure how to describe their unions.

Some 29 per cent of married Kenyans admit their marriages are headed for the rocks, while 31 per cent say they are not certain whether they are in a happy or unhappy union.

More than a half of the respondents reported serious conflicts in their marriages at least once a month.

Love — that traditional bond that leads couples to the altar, has taken a backseat in many Kenyan marriages, its place usurped by money and children.

Only four in 10 married people said they were in it for love.

“Love comes last in marriage,” said a respondent in his 30s.

Six out of every 10 married Kenyans say the only bond keeping their marriage together are the children, while 45 per cent say they are hanging on because of the money and property.

And, in quite an interesting twist in marriage and separation trends, money and overly nosy in-laws have overtaken infidelity as the leading cause of broken marriages.

Extended family

Half of all married people who took part in the survey said money was the main cause of marital conflict, followed by interference from members of the extended family at 39 per cent.

And where the conflict ended in divorce and separation, 64 per cent of the respondents said they walked out because of money problems, compared to 56 per cent who said they walked out because of infidelity.

Both sides blame each other for the sorry state of their unions.

The majority of men, who are already divorced or separated, say nagging spouses drove them out of their marriages while 76 per cent say they walked out because their wives had become argumentative and disrespectful.

A majority of their female counterparts on the other hand say they walked out of their marriages because the men did not demonstrate enough commitment to the relationship.

Besides infidelity and money, the fight for equality is emerging as the “modern” cause of marriage breakdowns in Kenya, more so among women.

Half of the divorced or separated women say they opted out of their marriages because their spouses were not treating them as “equal” partners in the union.

Interviews with married couples revealed the shocking decadence of the marriage institution in Kenya, an institution that family lawyers say ought to form the foundation of the state.

In focus group discussions, married men and women spoke of a deep sense of insecurity, saying they were not so sure if they would remain happy for long in their marriages.

“If you are married, do not put too much of your effort in the marriage because it can disintegrate any time and break your heart in the process,” said a respondent in the survey.

The respondents agreed to participate in the survey as long as their names were not made public.

The survey categorised respondents into four groups: happily married women vis-à-vis unhappily married ones, and happily married men vis-à-vis unhappily married ones.

Marriage in this case was split into four: Civil, come-we-stay relationships, church and customary.

Most of the people interviewed said they were in a customary marriage, 26 per cent were wedded in church while 16 per cent were joined together though civil weddings.

A quarter of the respondents said they were involved in a come-we-stay relationship.

Interestingly, more come-we-stay marriages reported their unions as happy ones compared to all the other marriage categories, with 45 per cent of respondents in this loosely knit marriage reporting more happiness compared to their church wedded colleagues (43 per cent), civil wedded couples (42 per cent) and those in customary marriages (41 per cent).

The most unhappily married couples formalised their marriages through customary arrangements.

In group discussions during the survey, even the most happily married respondents reported serious challenges in their relationships, resulting in what one respondent described as a “cold war” situation.

“I put up a cold front… and give him short precise answers,” said one married female in Nairobi who said she was happily married.

With near-zero communication, a number of married couples now describe what they have as a loveless contract, one they must endure because of the children.

“I do not have much to do when it come to the love side of things. All I do is to provide for my family because it (his marriage) has become like a contract,” said one respondent.

And with love having flown out of the window in many marriages, the marital bed has lost much of its warmth — only 14 per cent of respondents said sex was the flame that still kept their marriages intact.

And although most of the respondents, both males and females, said they had some reservations about engaging in extra-marital affairs, a number said they would gladly take the plunge to restock the lost passion in their own loveless marriages.

“If she denies me my rights, then I will go where I can get gratification,” one respondent said.

Extra-marital

Interestingly, 11 per cent of women respondents said they would have no problem with their husbands acquiring a co-wife.

Both husbands and wives admit that polygamy already exists, albeit concealed in the form of extra-marital affairs commonly called “mpango wa kando.”

Some even feel such discreet relationships, to some extent, are not bad.

“If he can manage to keep his woman with the Sh10 that remains, and as long as I do not know of her existence,” said one respondent who said she is happily married.

Source: Daily Nation

Couples in “come-we-stay” partnerships are happier than those who got married in church. They are also happier than those in customary and civil marriages.