By Jackson Biko

Last Friday one of my friends – on his fifth beer – leaned over the table and declared, “Look, I’ve tried but it’s just not working.”

In case you are wondering, I’m straight, so is he. But he was referring to this woman he is seeing; decent, gorgeous, grounded, voluptuous and cooks with wine – which is to say she is a great cook.

But, she wasn’t even the problem, not really. The problem was her kid. “He is a little monster, indisciplined and a complete pain in the behind, if I could flog that little devil I would!” he added in frustration.

The problem with this 10-year- old boy was from the word go. Even though he tried to be this little man’s friend by buying him expensive video games, taking him for fun outings on Sundays and helping him with homework whenever he could (“except Math,” he joked) the boy adamantly dug his heels deeper in the ground and treated him like a delinquent, like he was some sort of an impostor.

He thought he was just adjusting to the fact that there was now a new man in his mom’s life, and sooner or later he imagined that he would “accept” him and stop his theatrics. Its been six months, and there hasn’t been any notable change in his attitude and he is beginning to think the kid is a reincarnated Hitler.

My friend says: way past his bedtime the boy deliberately refuses to go to bed when he is visiting and is “nursing ideas” which has Parental Guidance scrawled all over it. The kid constantly pouts and scowls at him. Whenever he tries showing affection towards the mum- even something as subtle as removing a speck from her hair – he throws a major fit to get attention.

He adds that the boy constantly makes peeving remarks about his father and my friend says he is tempted to tell him, “Well I’m here trying to clean up your father’s mess mister,” but he realises that that would make him the baby or worse make the kid burst into a hysterical cry.

He watches him suspiciously, as if he thinks my friend is planning to steal their electronics or something. And he never, ever, leaves him alone with his mother (smart kid if you ask me). Suffice to say my friend is frustrated. “Look, he is just a kid, give him a time!” I always tell him.

“No he isn’t, he is pure evil,” he whines, “I have done nothing but to prove to this kid that I don’t have a criminal past!”
Now, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting the boy in question and yes, he is a bit on the scandalous side, you know, a bit overly “angry” with life? And perhaps maybe a tad too sulky for a boy.

But, he is still a child after all, and you would understand his temperamental, this angst, of him trying to accept another man into their home; of him trying to hear a different male tenor in their home. To be fair to this boy, my friend – at first impression – isn’t exactly the image of a priest.

Child from hell

Single motherhood, as I would imagine, isn’t a swing in the park. It must be tougher than the movies depict. It must be demanding and draining emotionally, financially and physically. I bet it’s also lonely and thus the need to introduce a man into the picture, as my friend’s girlfriend did.

I guess it’s the man’s responsibility to integrate himself into this setup since he is the outsider coming into the inner circle. But he can’t do it without the support of the woman especially when he is confronted by an ogre of a son who thinks you are there to steal his mom from him. A battle of testosterone supremacy will inevitably ensue.

No man wants to engage a child. Nobody wants to be the guy who raised his voice at the brat who intentionally threw up on his shoes. But, when a man is dating a single mother, sometimes he is confronted by a truant child.

A child from hell. Granted, the man will do everything to try and endear himself to this child, but when it’s not working and it’s glaringly evident that this child will one day stab this guy in the leg when he is asleep, the woman should step in and instil some level of authority in this drama series.

Easy to handle

There is a point when a man wants to sit his woman down and bluntly tell her, “I think your child is spoilt and ill-mannered, and you need to do something about it because you aren’t doing him any favours by letting him be.”

But he doesn’t because, well, because women being who they are will take it as a personal assault at her motherhood skills, which will more often (when the conversation has gotten to that level), be glaringly wanting.

No man dates a single mother with the foresight of how he will have to manage her child because that would be like buying a car and thinking where you will buy its bushes when the need arises.

Whilst most kids are fairly easy to handle, others require a strong stomach, and single mothers who have made the decision to date again should, at least, reign in their specially errant children if only for the sake of normalcy in that relationship, or a semblance of it because it’s hard enough dating a woman than throw in her very vindictive kid as well.

Source: DAILY NATION

By Ciiku Kimani

I was recently regaled to a story of a girl who got dumped. Nothing new. Only that she had been given the boot for the umpteenth time, and she has never done the dumping. She is a resilient one though as she is ready to get hooked up again.

From what I gathered, resilience is her good side, but stubbornness will be her eventual undoing. She won’t take anybody’s advice on what not to do during a first date, or a 60th outing.

Not that I am flawless when it comes to relationships, but there are guidelines that every amateur should know. This is a letter to the professional ‘dumpees’:

1 Do not give men money just so they can find you useful. They will find your money useful, and you desperate.

2 Do not pull seats for a man — I mean, even men are no longer chivalrous like that, but for a woman to pull a seat for the man? Criminal!

3 Gender equality aside; on a first date, women should never settle the bill. Unless, of course, you are looking for a gigolo.

4 Never ever talk about your exes, especially on a first date, and never should you list their negative attributes. Relationships are not a guarantee, and when you go on and on about what a loser your ex was, your date will start imagining you talking about him to the next man.

5 Please, do not list the number of partners you have had, whether it is the truth, edited or exaggerated version. Just wrong. Honesty is good in a relationship, but such honesty is unnecessary.

Every man wants to believe his girlfriend was a virgin before he met her. Listing your male conquests makes you come out like the village slut.

6 Even when you are desperate, do not advertise that fact to him. Waiting for a man for an hour is bad enough, four hours is criminal. What is worse?

Letting him do it to you twice. Traffic in the city might be bad, but not that bad. Somebody who always makes you wait for hours on several occasions is deliberately doing that.

7 No matter how ugly you reckon you are, you cannot tell a potential boyfriend that you do not think you are beautiful. People will see what you want them to see.

You are your own mirror, and the minute you do not think you are beautiful, your confidence and self-esteem go down the city council drainage, and nobody will want to touch you. Besides, you put the man in a fix.

However much men do not want to admit it, they expect us to ask them whether ‘we look fat in this’. That question is as old as — well, anorexia I guess.

But asking a man whether he thinks you are ugly? Suicidal!

8 Finally, being single is not a crime and people will not think you are weird.

Single days are important for soul searching, self discovery, and to demonstrate to yourself that you are good company to yourself.

Source: http://www.nation.co.ke/Features/DN2/Girlfriend%20this%20is%20how%20not%20to%20have%20and%20keep%20him%20/-/957860/1048654/-/47cs2cz/-/index.html

By JACKSON BIKO

Shortly after 1am, most bars quickly plunge into loneliness. Indeed they are noisier and smokier but if you pay much attention, you will notice that a certain “air” has perverted it.

The palpable energy that was there at the beginning has somewhat changed and has now been replaced by a dreary mood that prowls in it – loneliness. I say loneliness because at this point, the clock starts ticking towards sunrise – and with it, looming sobriety.

And sobriety is something that most bar dwellers run away from because in it lays reality, in it lays our un-garnished truths, and they are many – debts, failed relationships, family feuds, stalled careers, bad sex, truant children, failing healths, impotence, unrelenting acne, careers we can’t stand…the list is infinite.

Look at every drunken face in the bar after midnight, and you will notice some truth in them.

And if you look at the couples in the bar at this time, you will see more than love, or lust…what you will see is pure loneliness because like my friend, Jethro submits, only couples who are running away from themselves stay in the bar past 2am.

But the other day, I saw a couple that rubbished Jethro’s whimsical theory, a couple that was sticking out like the proverbial sore thumb. The man was in his mid 20’s and the attractive woman was obviously in the twilight years of her 40’s.

I could tell one thing without being overtly judgmental; it was way past her bedtime!
I say they “stuck out” because ours is a very conservative society and everybody in that pub – although they didn’t seem obsessed with this couple – didn’t imagine for a moment that she was helping him with his homework.

Society has a brilliant name for this woman (another recent import from the west) – a cougar. A cougar is an older woman dating a younger man. In National Geographic, though, a cougar is some sort of a cat, a lithe and athletic cat.

Although endangered in the wild, its visibility in the cities is growing. Younger guys are getting into the arms of the older woman for various reasons among them finances, vanity, love, or adventure. For some, they say it’s the pursuit of nirvana.

It’s not as astonishing for a much younger woman to be seen in the arms of a much older man because we have gotten to a point where we can explain it away – if not excuse it.

But an older woman with some young man barely out of his sagging jeans is something of a social satire. The truth, however, is that most of the younger women should sit at the feet of these older women and take notes on how to treat a man.

But since younger women seem to be caught up in their own youth, here is a list of why older women make the best lovers:

Beauty vs poise

Younger women have the advantage of having wrinkle-free skin, tighter bums but they are also vain and self-absorbed, and if you scratch underneath all that you, what you will find is horrifying insecurity.

But for every part of the older woman’s body that is struggling under gravity, they make it up with formidable poise, self-assurance and confidence.

Ask the man seated next to you now what he will pick, given a choice between a hot, vain woman and an older version with poise and confidence.

Please don’t nibble my earlobes
As any man will confirm, nothing is harder than to please a woman who doesn’t understand her own body. A woman’s body is a Rubik’s cube and most older women have learnt their bodies beyond knowing that their earlobes aren’t their only erogenous zones.

In short, older women are more comfortable and confident in their sexuality.

Conventions
Admit it; trends rule the city and younger women are the major followers of these trends. They play to that gallery. Older women, on the other hand, seem to have fulfilled their expectations of life and are at peace with the findings.

She has no illusions of who she is. Younger women have more to prove, to themselves and to their men, which is to say they have baggage and baggage is only sexy if it comes in the form of a Louis Vuitton bag.

I’ll get that
Let’s not even pretend that times aren’t so tough that younger women long forgot how to pick a tab.

These younger men, straight out of campus fumbling through their first jobs and struggling to cook from their baby mekos in their cubicles can’t finance romance with the women they desire, because these women want to have drinks with fancy names like Daiquiri.

Up comes the older woman with a money purse and less drama. Connect the dots.

Patience
Since an older woman has lived her life; gotten her heartbreaks and broken a few hearts herself, raised her children, made her mistakes, I would imagine that her outlook of life is more sober, more calculated.

She has learnt to take life at its pace. And also since she has dated her fair share of men, she naturally understands them and is more patient.

To put all these into perspective is a quote from the television writer, Andy Rooney, “Women get psychic as they age, you never have to confess your sins to an older woman. She always knows.”

bikozulu@gmail.com

By Billy Muiruri

You have been going out for several months (or years) and yet the relationship just does not seem to be able to graduating to the next level.

Relationship counselors and psychologists say that when women get into a relationship, they often view the man in their life as the “ultimate husband” so it comes as a shock when this so-called husband material suddenly bolts from the relationshiop with no explanation.

Many of our female respondents wondered why the men they think are theirs for life would desert them “without notice”. Asked what they think happened, many said, “He just walked out on me. He never told me how I wronged him.”

“It is never a one-day decision,” says Caroline Mbuthia, a psychologist. It is a scenario “one can see coming”, or to put it in her words, it is a situation that can be pre-empted depending on how a woman manages the relationship from the early stages.

But just why do men bolt out of a relationship that was seemingly headed to the ultimate goal Marriage? It could be men-related or women-related reasons, at least according to literature on relationships and interviews by Saturday Magazine.

The ghost of old love
One school of thought argues that it not necessarily true that men leave women because of what they (women) have done or not done.

They do not leave as a response to a woman’s characteristics or qualities but because of the fulfilment of their own inner needs, conflicts and dreams.

According to Dr Brenda Shoshanna, a psychologist and relationship expert in the US, some men are caged in a past love and forget the reality of present-day relationship.

“They idealise an old love and try to find such a personality in the new person and when it does not come through, they feel they haven’t got the right person,” Dr Shoshanna writes.

Men tend to do “comparative studies” especially when gauging a new woman’s positive qualities and if not handled well, it can lead to disappointment as it is rare to get “ copy and paste” characteristics from two different people.

Being taken advantage of
Dr Shoshanna hypothesises that men leave when they feel overly exploited. During the early stages, women are showered with gifts, affection and substantial resources spent to make her happy without necessarily expecting reciprocation.

But how long can this go on, especially if there is no reciprocation either directly or in kind? Men’s patience easily wears off when a woman makes him feel his sole purpose in life is to serve her.

The age old adage that there is not really free lunch can thinly apply here. If your ask your man for occasional favours, ensure you show your utmost appreciation and return the favour when he least expects it.

It need not be conscious to him that you are paying him back. An article in The Guardian, a top Nigerian paper, last week said a man wants to be with a woman who brings something better to his life, not take away his time, energy, resources and emotional “stability.”

A woman should not appear “too needy”, the article noted, by focusing too much on the relationship as the source of her happiness.

The reality is that no man and no relationship can or should be everything to you.

“You shouldn’t have to sacrifice all your time and energy on a man. The point is, he won’t respect you for being desperate. At least no “mature man” wants you to look upto him for everything,” writes the publication.

You are out to change him
No man will ever be comfortable with conditional love. Any attempt to play “monkey games” so that he has no option but to commit to you, is a sure way for him to disappear.

Writing in The Guardian, Kemi Amushan says people are motivated by things they want, not by things others want. “If you want a man to change, you have to try to show him how it will benefit him and him alone, not you or your relationship,” he writes.

Men can be arm-twisted to take up something, including a wife, but eventually it will not hold. “We see it all the time. A man finds himself in an awkward relationship position and yields to the situation.

But eventually, he will go for the person he has chosen himself,” the newspaper wrote. This fixing can also be through change of awful habits such as ogling, smoking or heavy drinking.

Men have had to check certain habits in order to be accommodated by a woman but as Amushan writes, a man has to have his own reasons to change.

It is foolhardy for a woman to get herself pregnant, for instance, so that a man can marry her. Men fear committing themselves when they are not ready for it.

The best this kind of man will do when he realises the women is trying to manipulate him is to just walk away in due course.

Your love is ‘a prison cell’
Many people call it personal space. And the more modernised people become, the more they need their own space to do things.

Police marking your man is a sure a way to create stress and tension in his faculties.

Now when stress reaches a certain point, it blows off. For tension, it breaks. Love is not meant to be strenuous. Part of this is nagging like when he comes home late after work or asking him for money when he is most broke.

Or if you are the type that whines every time he wants to go out with his friends or do things on his own.

The space you squeeze out of him such that he cannot go or do something without your approval will eventually frustrate him.

Men have egos and one expression of this ego is to do things when and how he wants them. However , this does not mean you should keep quiet when he does things that are equally causing stress to you.

Writing in Ezine, an online publication, Rusell Jackson says stress builds up when everything in the relationship is about “your demands”. “If his eyes fall accidentally on a girl who is walking by and you start grilling him about infidelity and threaten that you will leave, it won’t be long before he feels like a prisoner around you,” she writes. And the dream of every prisoner is to leave prison and enjoy life out there.

Lost Feelings of attraction
This would just go verbatim as Amushan puts it in The Guardian “Love is important to a man.

But experiencing those addicting and exciting feelings of connection and attraction with the woman he loves are just as important.

Because when a man feels attraction and love, working out the little problems is a piece of cake. When he stops feeling that connection, he forgets why he is with you in the first place. The relationship will start to feel like hard “work” to him.

A man wants to do fun and enjoyable things together not talk to know it’s working) sometimes, a man will say he cares about you, or maybe even loves you, but he’ll admit he’s not “in love” with you.

Most of the time, women do not know the difference between loving you and being in love with you. When it reaches this point, the relationship is better dead.

If you’ve ever heard that from your man, it’s a symptom that he’s not feeling that gut-level attraction for you, despite having affectionate feelings for you.

The only thing he wants to do with you is perhaps have sex not make love with you. Creating that gut-level attraction and sharing that attraction is one of the most powerful and important keys to giving a man his own reason for wanting to be with you, no matter what.

It is not just about physical attraction but the emotional and intellectual attraction that comes from a deeper, more subconscious place.

His first love just knocked in
This has nothing to do with another woman. Or even a former lover. Many times, some people tend to become obsessed with things they are passionate about.

Not all men treat a relationship as their most important thing in life.

So when something comes up that he feels requires more of his attention than anything else, and you are there demanding for attention as well, he may easily move away from you rather than be persuaded to ditch his other passion.

Haven’t we heard of men who spend all their day working or doing business? Playing games or gambling, sports or spend time drinking with friends? Back to what we said about a man thinking critically about what the woman brings in his life, he will just move away if he believes he is enriching himself more at a personal level by engaging in something other than yourself.

He just realised you lie to him
A friend of mine once told me about an encounter with a mother-in-law.

It wasn’t a bad one but it was shocking. The middle aged lady embraced him and profusely thanked him for all he had done for the family (the wife’s). “The cow has doubled its production.

We are now enjoying clean rain water and we are happy that Nyambura (the wife’s younger sister) can now concentrate on her studies without worrying about fees. We do not know how we can appreciate your help,” the old lady told him loudly.

The truth of the matter is that the guy never knew that his wife was secretly catering for all her family’s financial needs. The quarrel that followed later led to a separation.

Unlike women, men find it hard to forgive and forget. Some of the things you ought not to lie to him about ( if at all you ever need to lie in the first place) are the existence of a child before you met him, status of your earlier relationship, financial obligations you have for your family, a chronic illness that is likely to have financial implications once you are together, and what you exactly do to earn a living.

The moment he knows you have all along lied to him about any of these, cracks will emerge and he could just walk away without a backward glance.

bmuiruri@ke.nationmedia.com

Source: Daily Nation

By Lilian Kithia

The ex-boyfriend is always one of those topics that are a bit daunting to talk about.

Either because the previous relationship ended in bad terms and the idea of revisiting it in a discussion brings back memories we wish to forget or because the rules of being in a new relationship dictate that the baggage of the old be left in the past.

Either way, while remaining mum about the past gives the new relationship a chance to grow in peace and take its natural course, being completely secretive about an ex is a red light that every person in a new relationship ought to keep an eye on.

This is because often, some people do not disclose the fact that they are on the rebound, which could also mean that they still haven’t gotten over the previous relationship.

And then in the long run, when they finish rebounding, they move on, or even make up with the ex, leaving you hanging and heartbroken.

Here are five signs that mean your girlfriend isn’t over her ex:
The ex is a no-go zone – Your partner never talks about her ex, and when you bring up the topic, she avoids it or changes the subject without even as simple an explanation as “I really don’t want to talk about that”.

Any further probing often results into a tantrum about why you just can’t let it go. She doesn’t even go to the places they used to go to together because she is afraid of running into him.

The truth is; talking about, or even meeting with the ex makes her miss him and she hates the fact that she is not with him. She is just not over him!

She talks about her ex too much – She is either going on about how funny he was or constantly complaining about what a terrible cheating boyfriend he was and how glad she is that it is over between them.

Either way, she is talking about him all the time and finds a way to bring him up in almost every conversation. She’s probably even called you his name once.

Whether she is saying positive or negative things, talking about him all the time means she just can’t stop thinking about him. It’s obvious she still has feelings and cares for him.

She is up to date with her ex’s life – She seems to know where he lives and what he’s upto even after he has moved houses twice since the break-up.

She knows the name of the lady he is currently dating and just how badly their relationship is doing. The two of them don’t even communicate but somehow she is so up to date with his life.

The ex could have moved on but your partner clearly hasn’t. If, by any chance, he were to decide to give their relationship another chance, you would be so out of the picture.

She still has mementoes from the relationship - She loves that watch he bought her on her birthday and still goes to bed in that piece of lingerie he bought her for Valentine’s.  

And how do you know about all these? She’s probably absent-mindedly mentioned it once or twice. If your partner can’t let go of the things she was given by her ex, it means she still cares about him and wants to keep them because they remind her of him.

She’s probably hoping they may get back together someday.

They are still friends - It can be hard to draw a line between a harmless platonic friendship and a bond that means your girl and her ex are still into each other.

Do they still communicate with each other? How often? Is he her go-to guy? Like, when you fight, does she prefer to talk to him than to her girlfriends? Do they hang out alone all the time, or have too many friends in common?

If she can’t live without communication with the ex it’s not over yet. However platonic she may want you to believe their friendship is, she still has the hots for him and the feelings are probably mutual.

If any of these things describe your girlfriend’s behaviour, it’s time for you to exit the scene before you get replaced by the man who was there before you.

Hoping that she will eventually get over him is only wishful thinking.

It’s only a matter of time before she starts pursuing him again actively – if she isn’t already doing it behind your back.

kithia.lillian@gmail.com

By NJOKI KAIGAI

lets rip about girlfriends who change like chameleons once they get into a love relationship

I AM NEVER sure whether to laugh, leap for joy or run for the hills whenever one of my girlfriends gets into a relationship.

Given the amount of misery and turmoil in this world, we always welcome the prospects of one happy individual. But I must confess that women display some very strange behaviour once they get into a relationship.

While I do not wish to prick the love bubble, I’d like to give a few pointers to our sisters.
When some of our sisters get bitten by the love bug, they suddenly become experts in making drastic decisions about their new catch.

They decide, often without consultation, that the entire world must stop their daily lives and shift focus to the new man.

Conversation is changed and reconfigured to feature anything and everything about the new man.

Instead of talking about the latest social happenings, these girls will literally force their audiences to sit through  sometimes very boring tales about their newfound partners.

It is perfectly understandable when a woman  keeps talking about her baby’s milestones, but for one to imagine that the life of a grown male is of endless interest to the rest of the world is just too much.

Finding a man to date is in no way similar to discovering oil so put a lid on the urge to shout all over about it ladies.

There is another group of women who cease to exist once they get into any form of relationship with a man.

All sense of self is submerged into the character of the man in an attempt to attain the highest levels of conformity and compatibility. 

Before this relationship, your girlfriend may have been funny, witty and great company, but this same person will suddenly transform into  a boring mute when she discovers that her new partner in love prefers his love interests silent and attentive.

Those with buxomy figures court death with weight loss concoctions if their latest peremende prefers his women willowy like reeds. Others opt to challenge nature by becoming conjoined twins with their new man.

New dietary habits are acquired or shed depending on which way their man’s radar swings. They wipe off their former life and instead gain a new identity.

The ones who find permanent love and become Mrs. So and So are the worst culprits of this behaviour.

Dare you call them by their maiden or pre-relationship name, they will lynch you. For these women, relationships are not about compromise, they are about 360 degree changes.

Some women are certified love seeking missiles as they keep moving from one love interest to another.

Every time they find love, they change completely and leave their pals totally confused about who their real identities.
The common practice of some women once they find love is to abandon their girlfriends as they head off into relationship bliss.

They suddenly become unavailable and unreachable. They will let you know that they must tick, check and then cross-check with their significant other before they can come out to play. Forget about inviting your pal for those impromptu hook-ups that are sometimes necessary for women’s bonding.

These girls will only come out if and when their man deems it fit that they can go out.

Once some women find love, they will begin to question the loyalty of girlfriends they have grown up with from the cradle.

Their new partner becomes the judge of who constitutes a great and true friend. If the new man hates the way you look or sound then your goose is completely cooked.

Never mind the fact that it’s you who has always been there for those unforeseen bail-outs, shoulder-crying sessions and all those other peculiarities of being someone’s friend. 

These habits are annoying because they vex, annoy and irritate the rest of us well-meaning girlfriends. They can be tiresome if your friend is the type that keeps changing men and therefore changing the rule book over and over again.

Lastly, these same chameleons are shameless when it comes to turning around and seeking consolation from the same pals they dumped once things go sour. Listen girls, there was and there shall be life after you fall in love, no need to mess up the world just because you’ve found a love interest out there.

njokikaigai@hotmail.com

HOW TO GO ABOUT IT

• Just like when asking for a pay raise from your boss, in relationships too there is something known as timing. Never broach such sensitive subjects while angry or after an argument. Even though he may have hurt you with his actions or words, choose the right time to bring up the issue.
• Choose a time when the two of you can be alone without any interruption – you could even invite him for coffee or make a special meal at home and bring u the issue soberly without being emotional.
• Talk about your feelings and what you expect from him and, if things don’t go well, then seek the help of your church pastor or a close friend of his. If all this does not work, then you can bring in a close relative that you both respect before making any irrational decision.

By Damaris Irungu

Today, the fact that many relationships are ending up in break-ups, has left many women in a precarious situation where they tend to walk on egg-shells around their men to avoid triggering a situation that may lead to a break-up or confrontation.

This is an unfortunate state of affairs because a healthy relationship should be a fulfilling one, where both parties are allowed to speak their minds freely and be listened to.

Many times, women are accused by men of overreacting or being unreasonable but there is only so much that one can tolerate in a relationship.

Instead of bottling your feeling inside, you need to speak up before you end up miserable. The following are some of the things that a woman should not have to put up with, no matter how much she feels she loves the man.

If your man is doing any of the things mentioned below. Then maybe it’s time to sit back and re-evaluate the direction the relationship is going and opt out if you are not happy – but before you do that, you need to speak up….

The ex-girlfriend’s calls
If his ex-girlfriend keeps calling and he entertains her calls, then you need to put a stop to this. It is not an over-reaction, ex-girlfriends are a dangerous breed of women and very unhealthy to your relationship. Jackie, 33, discovered that her boyfriend, Brian’s ex-girlfriend was the cause of most of their arguments.

“Whenever she would call Brian, the next couple of days would be hell. He would suddenly become moody and intolerable. I was quiet for sometime but the whole thing was killing me inside, I decided to speak up and told him about my observations which, of course, he denied. I asked him to tell her to stop calling him and if that was too much to ask of him, then our relationship could not go on. I simply had to give him an ultimatum. A couple of weeks later, I realised that I hadn’t heard him speak on the phone with her. I don’t care if she called him when I was not there, but I thought it was disrespectful of him to keep taking calls from an ex when we were together. If I hadn’t spoken up, I would still be miserable. It is best to confront the issue immediately instead of waiting until it’s too late,” concludes Jackie.

Flirting with women
It is one thing to ogle at women but a totally different thing for your man to flirt openly with another woman in your presence. It is not only annoying, but shows a total lack of respect, though most men think otherwise.

When confronted about this, most men defend themselves saying that they were just talking. Some will even accuse you of being insecure, but believe you me, this is the one thing you must never allow because most relationships start with flirting.

Next thing you know, the two of them will be meeting behind your back. Think back to your own relationship and how it all started with constant flirting. When you notice that he is taking his time with some other lady, better cut it short.

Most men will argue that they were just talking, ask him to put himself in your shoes, and how he would feel if you spent most of your time flirting with one of his friends or any other man.

Taking you for granted
Most men whether subconsciously or not end up taking their women for granted after a few years of being in a relationship. They believe that now that you are safely spoken for, he doesn’t need to pay you any special attention.

This has something to do with male attitude “I have conquered her now the challenge is over” so he stops paying attention to you. If you point this out, he’ll probably say that you are nagging.

He may not even be aware that as he ignores you, there are other men who notice that you are fabulous.

If you find that the lack of attention from your man is giving you thoughts of seeking attention from other men, let him know this..tell him that you have feelings too but don’t want to cheat on him, so he should ensure that you are well taken care of in all aspects. 31- year-old Salma who is married to a politician craved her husband’s attention but he was too busy with his politics and hardly noticed that she existed.

When she complained about feeling neglected, he accused her of being fickle and told her she knew the kind of life a politician leads before she got married to him so she should not complain. To keep herself occupied, Salma started going out with her girlfriends and before long, she had caught another man’s eye.

She was torn between her love for her husband and going out with this other man who made her feel so special. She decided to take her husband out for dinner and told him candidly how she felt. She let him know that she was missing his attention.

He realised that if he did not change his ways, he would probably send his wife into the arms of another man. Today, he ensures that he makes time for his wife and two children no matter how busy his schedule may be.

Cheating on you
A man may find himself in a compromising situation which was totally unexpected, but when he does this once, twice and even three times, then you need to sit him down and lay down your rules. If he does not change his ways , then maybe it’s time to wave him goodbye.

You didn’t work so hard in your career, achieve your dreams, get a nice home..only to have him infect you with HIV? Sue, 35, packed her bags and two kids and run as fast as she could, away from the man she had been married to for seven years.

Rumours doing the rounds were that he was sleeping around. “ I chose to put turn a blind eye and ignored the rumours, until it all became too much for me to bear so I confronted him. He denied everything but when I got a sexually transmitted infection from him, I knew it was time to leave.

I was lucky to get away with an STI, next would probably be HIV. No matter how much a man may deny it, if you suspect that he’s sleeping around then confront him about it and if he’s not willing to change, then move out. How often do we hear of so-and so having had a child with such-and –such woman.

The fact here is that not only is such a man sleeping round, he’s doing it without any protection and in the process endangering your life.
Too many women are forgiving when they should not be.

This is a matter of life and death and the choice is yours. It’s better to take control of your life than leave it in the hands of an irresponsible man. Sue moved out and has been alone with her children for a year now, she says it gets lonely sometimes, but she has peace of mind, and that is enough for now.

Hiding his money
Money is a serious issue in a relationship..it defines the thin line between love and hate. If you don’t know how much money he has but he always knows about your monies and even goes as far as to help you budget for yours then there is trouble brewing.

Most women keep quiet when it comes to matters of finances because they secretly hope that things will get better or that it is too small an issue to cause hell about…again.. stress that builds up and insecurities could lead to irrational decisions.

Speak up about what you feel and do this very early in the relationship. Money is actually a major cause of relationship break-ups.

Putting you down
If he can’t find the words to tell you that you are beautiful and appreciated, then he’d better find a way showing it, there are so many ways of doing so…there are men who have no problem telling your friend that she looks great but he would never tell you that your hair looks lovely even when you are just from the salon.

This is just a simple example but for June, 28, her man was good at always putting her down, “Michael would always comment on how much food I put on my plate hinting that that is why I was fat.\

And this he would do even when we were out with friends. It got to appoint where I became paranoid about anything I ate with him around. He knew very well that I had been struggling with my weight since I got the baby, but for him, I ate too much and did nothing about my weight.”

“When I confronted him about it, he blurted out that I should face the fact that I was fat and do something about it! That was the last blow for me, he had been so insensitive to me in many ways but this was the last straw.”

It showed total disrespect. I packed my stuff and left. There was no point living with someone who took pleasure in making me miserable.

I would rather be single and have my piece of mind than married and miserable. There is so much more to life than a bad marriage, “concludes a thoughtful June.

Source: Daily Nation

By Josaya Wasonga

Bernadine is pissed off. And she should be. She’s got every right. She’s been married to John for the longest time. Given him two beautiful kids. A boy and girl. Given him the best years of her life. Given him the peace of mind and guts to make tons of money and, it seems, in hindsight, the space and gall to cheat on her.

She knows everything about John. Wait. She even knows the number of times that they’ve made love. Seven thirty two.

But now she’s pissed off. Pissed off because several weeks ago, John left her for another woman.

A white woman. And ain’t nothing like that to a black sister. She loves him, make no mistake about that, but hates him for doing this to her, with ‘that’, of all ‘thats’, leaving her like this, thinking he can get away with it.

She’s got to revenge, hit him where it hurts the most … not on his nuts, although she would love to, but some place that will make him go nuts.

Ding. A light bulb goes green on top of Bernadine’s head.

“This mother****r is psychotic,” Bernadine hisses as she opens the drawers and doors, her eyes darting from John’s expensive watches, to the designer shoes and suits, to his golf equipment.

“Only a white woman can tolerate your smug ass … I was your white woman for 11 years.”

Then she piles all his expensive toys, and trappings, and whatnots inside his expensive car, coolly lights a cigarette and sets the ride on fire, calling it trash. Bernadine later gets rid of John’s remaining stuff through a garage sale, selling them for a song.

That, right there, is a tear-jerking scene from the chick flick, ‘Waiting to Exhale’, where a scorned lover goes on a limb to show that, like the Sicilians say, revenge is a dish best served cold.

We can’t all be Bernadines. For some jilted lovers, trashing inanimate stuff just doesn’t cut it. It’s too soft. Too painless. The only thing that can equal their hurt is to cause grievous bodily harm.

Like, for instance, giving him the dreaded Lorena Bobbit chop, literally a low blow, and the personal (hush-hush) favourite of most scorned chicks.

But some chops may turn fatal, causing the death of one partner, or both. In the madness of the moment, when there’s absolutely no method to the madness, when common sense runs to the hills, and tears blind one from seeing the tragic consequences of their actions, taking the law into one’s own hands seems as legal as swatting a pesky mosquito in a malaria-prone area.

There are many ways to hurt an ex, and most counsellors concur that the best is summed up in the cliché, let go and let God. God?

Apparently, when love turns sour for some, anything goes. Religion has nothing to do with it.

Check this out…

Look for killers or just turn on your killer instinct

It was over. That’s what the elders knew for sure. The couple would go their separate ways peacefully. Kiss and say goodbye. Like normal folks. Well, the elders were wrong on this one. This man was anything but normal.

It was recently reported in a local daily that Silvanus Owuor Lwamba used a hoe to batter Esther Akinyi, a wife he had inherited, her nine-year-old daughter Lilian Akinyi and one-year-old son Barack Odhiambo to death.

According to the newspaper, Esther’s father James Ogolla, had called a meeting to discuss the constant friction between the couple and it was decided that the two should part ways. Lwamba appeared unhappy with that decision, even though he didn’t openly object.

The meeting ended with prayers from Akinyi’s father and everyone went to sleep. But the villagers woke up to the horrifying news of Lwamba’s act.

That’s one side of the coin. The other side involves jilted lovers hiring killers to do their dirty work.

Some are young, trigger-happy and see such ‘jobs’ as less risky than the ones that involve, say, robbing a bank. And with so many small arms in the wrong hands, and mysterious unresolved murders piling up in police files by the week, it’s anybody’s guess what could be the causes.

If you can’t box ‘em, bewitch ‘em

Laura* knew that her and Chris* were meant to be. They were high school sweethearts, going all the way back to Form One, and everyone believed that they would grow old together.

Their families and friends always said that theirs was the perfect model of how a relationship should be.

“I trusted her with everything,” Chris, a former professional boxer, moans. “She was the one who carried my ATM card … in fact, my everything, plus I made sure that her family was well taken of, because her parents were doing badly financially.”

The cracks started in their relationship when Chris’ career started floundering, he wasn’t getting as many fights as he wanted, and it didn’t help matters that they were from different tribes.

Unknown to Chris, Laura’s parents had been encouraging her relationship with a wealthy man from their tribe. She would go to her parents home and the two would meet there with encouragement from the parents.

“One night I decided to go to their home and found this car parked outside. Laura and the man were in there. Kissing. In a rage, I hit the windshield with a stone and it gave in. I was mad like hell. He started the car, flying over the kerb, hitting a lamppost, and I chased after them. As he sped off with my girlfriend, I stood there helpless. What angered me more was the fact that she was not willing to discuss the incident. Before long, Laura left him.”

Two months later, Chris visited a witchdoctor. He wanted the guy, who advertised his services saying he was from Tanzania, to cast a spell on Laura and make her lose her mind. Make her walk nude in the streets, to be exact. He was given a mixture of herbs with some stern instructions.

That was nine years ago

Nowadays Chris roams all over the place, mumbling incomprehensibly to himself, sometimes striking southpaw poses – he was a southpaw, and a deadly one at that – weaving and bobbing, shadowboxing.

People say it’s the years of taking head blows from other boxers that’s to blame. Others say it’s the spell that backfired. Others say it’s a depression brought about by losing a lover to a more moneyed guy. Laura is a happily married mother of three, twin boys and girl.

The real acid test, using the real McCoy
In Pakistan and Afghanistan, this is the most common revenge. According to Jim Verhust, a Times Perspective editor, since 1994, a Pakistani activist who founded the Progressive Women’s Association to help victims of acid attacks, has documented a staggering 7,800 cases of women who were deliberately burned, scalded or subjected to acid attacks, just in the Islamabad area.

If you think that acid attacks only happen in Asia, think again.

Henry*, who is a born-again Christian, met Liz* in church where they were both in the choir. Like they say, one thing led to another, and soon they had become more than choir members.

They were lovers, and Henry, a struggling guy who was at the Polytechnic and doing graphics jobson the side to survive, even started thinking about a wedding.

He even got Liz a job from one of the firms that gave him graphics jobs, his love so strong that he didn’t even think about giving the opening to his jobless siblings.

Then Liz changed. She met another guy, a worship leader from another church, someone who was in demand from the sprouting evangelical churches because of his music prowess. Henry didn’t stand a dog’s chance in hell.

“I sought out some tough guys in my ‘Mtaa’( neighbourhood) … I always saw them hanging out aimlessly, at times snatching purses and stuff, and told them that I wanted to give them a job,” Henry says, adding that all the teachings about turning the other cheek flew into thin air.

“I told them exactly what I wanted them to do. Pour acid on her face. I gave them the directions of where they could find her, but they laughed at me and told me to man up ( do it himself).”

With hate controlling him, Henry decided to man up, but was saved the damnation by his Pastor, who had noticed that something was amiss between the two. He counselled Henry, giving him what every broken-hearted person needs: accessible ears and shoulders.

“Years later, when someone sent me an email forward by T.D. Jakes, it spoke of the very thing I wish I’d heard when I was hurting: ‘And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person. It just means that their part in your story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead’.”

Hiring thugs to teach him a lesson

This is the oldest trick in the Bible. I mean, the Politicos Bible.

But Grace* wasn’t cutting and pasting her revenge from this book when she decided to teach her former boyfriend, a matatu driver, a lesson. They had been going out for a while and, against her better judgment, she was starting to love him.

“He drove the flashiest matatu in the route, but he was ever broke and I’m the one who always bailed him out,” Grace narrates, saying that it seems the man, on realising that she was a banker, decided to hustle her.

Grace realised too late that he was a womaniser, and she was one of his victims. What made her lose her mind was when he disrespected her in front of his latest catch, a young college girl, not knowing that Grace had friends in low places.

“Just break his hands, and we’ll see how he’ll earn a living,” Grace instructed the heavies after paying them an agreed amount.

A couple of days later, she feigned surprise when she received her boyfriend’s distress call, telling her that he had been in an ‘accident’ and asked her to help pay his hospital bill.

“I’ll be there very soon,” she cooed.

He’s still waiting, jobless and in casts, for Grace to visit him with a card and an open cheque.

Fighting fire with fire

When Janice’s boyfriend of many years jilted her, just when she thought it was time to settle down with him for the rest of her life, she was inconsolable, and sunk into depression.

She quit her job, a highly paying and secure job that her parents had paid a human resource manager in a multi-national for her to have, and locked herself in her room for days in end.

“She refused to eat and we thought we would lose her,” her elder brother whom she later went to live with confides, adding that they placed her on suicide watch.

But what tipped the scales was when Janice learnt that her former beau, who was living in the same estate, was about to walk somebody else down the aisle.

Some of Janice’s friends showed her the wedding card, thinking this would make her sober up, accept the truth and move on, because she still nursed hopes that her boyfriend would “realise his mistake and we will make up”.

The following evening, Janice’s brother was startled when neighbours rushed to his house and dragged him out. When he followed them, and after squeezing his way through a crowd outside a house, he saw Janice lying down, writhing painfully, her hair, clothes and face burned.

Janice had gone and set herself on fire outside her ex-boyfriend’s house.
This didn’t stop the wedding. Nor make the guy “realise his mistake”.

But, like a flatline, it stopped Janice’s life. She’s refused to move on. Her scarred face and neck are a constant, reminder of the wisdom in Maya Angelou’s words: “You did what you knew how to do. And when you knew better, you did better.”

Source: Daily Nation